Blurb Writing: A Hell Unlike Any Other

Before we begin, let me just say...I'm ashamed. Seriously. Just want to bury the evidence of my many failed attempts at blurb writing and crawl into a dark hole of shame.

Does that set the tone for this blog? If not, let me rephrase. Blurb writing is HARD. I have attempted and failed no less than 30 times to rewrite this sumbitch into a semblance of coherence, and I fail so hard this might as well be me:

I tried to dip my toes and was submerged. Floundering. Flailing. Fucked.

I've read no less than a dozen how-to blogs on blurbing, but all to no avail. Trying to sum up the plot of your story in less than 300 words is no easy feat. But then you still have to hook a reader, keep it vague without being too vague. And so on, and so forth, and yeah... Did I mention this is what it feels like to write a blurb?

So what'd I do? I set up some one-on-one time with a blurb coach. This woman is awesome. She ran me through the dos and don'ts, attempted to teach me the fine art that is boiling your book down into a catchy few sentences.

But good gods, man! Did you know there are a ton of rules inherent in writing these little bastards? No? Don't feel bad. I didn't either. I have been corrected time and again on such fine points as these:

• Don't use "you" unless the novel is in first person.
• Negatives aren't as strong as positives.
• Keep your sentences short and snappy.
• Introduce as little information as possible to avoid confusion.
• Say more in saying less (What? No, really.).
• Use strong structures and action verbs.

And what have I learned in all of this coaching? If I could just post a meme of Tom Hiddleston with the tag, "Loki wants you to read this book," I would do it in a heartbeat. It doesn't really get easier with practice; there's just fewer things to correct. As proof, I present to you the document that contains my many blurb attempts.

Ignore the blur. I'm saving you an eye sore. Instead, TAKE NOTE: Seven pages. SEVEN FARKING PAGES. Over 3000 words racked up in an attempt to write a blurb. And I'm not done yet.

Is this normal? Oh wow, I sincerely hope not. Considering what my friends have said over the course of the last two months, I'm forced to believe it IS, however. I have come to them time and again, hoping surely THIS attempt is THE one. It's better than the others, and I can finally say I'm FINISHED, that I have a real blurb. Nope. Nopenopenope. Damn it all, NOPE! And my friends just commiserate and tell me they don't look forward to doing this for themselves.

That being the case, I just want to assure those of you that are ready to impale your own eyes with a rusty fork...

It will be okay, guys. It's taken me two months to get anywhere near a polished, workable attempt. It has been trying, but I know it will be worth it in the end. Just...right now I feel like epic fail run through a meat grinder.

So what can I recommend for you? 

• Buff up your patience. You need to level to at least 1000 before attempting this.
• Find someone who knows how blurbs work to give you some coaching.
• Be prepared to get discouraged. It's bound to happen, but you have to get back up and truck the fuck on. That blurb won't write itself.
• Look at your shite attempts as lessons learned. You'll laugh at them someday...after you stop with the gross sobbing.
• Remember what all of this is for. One day, that blurb is going to be on the back of YOUR book. 

You're amazing for even getting this far. Don't forget it. NOW WRITE THAT DAMN BLURB AND SHOW IT WHO'S BOSS!