Okay, I really feel this needs to be said. You want to know what divides a writer from an author? Hard. Fucking. Work. Excuses are like assholes: we all have them and they all stink.
There is no such thing as a muse in the traditional Greek sense, nor is this a valid excuse to waste your time. Do you know what I think when someone says their muse is on vacation? I think...when did Kelly go on vacation? I just saw a post in her group not an hour ago!
Do you know what I think when you keep saying you don't know where to start? I think you're never going to finish that book if you don't at least try. It is just another excuse.
When you tell me you don't have the time, I think back to my ridiculous work schedule in both college and when I was a bartender. College was my most prolific writing time. It wasn't because I had the time; it was because writing for myself was more appealing than the course work.
When I worked at the bar, I was pulling 15 hour shifts Wednesday through Sunday. Did I mention I was also working on my Masters degree? I was dead on my feet more often than not, and yet I STILL managed to bang out a few short stories and chapters on existing projects. It wasn't because it was easier; it was because I WANTED it.
When I had my kid, I managed to write and publish a book despite the fact that she never slept...and therefore, I never slept. It wasn't because it was easy. It was because I FUCKING WANTED IT.
So here's the skinny, guys. How fucking bad do you want it?
You wanna know what I think when you give me these excuses? I think you're overwhelmed, unsure, and you're setting yourself up for failure by not even trying. And you know what? It's completely fucking normal; every one of us, in some way or another, has sabotaged ourself at some point. You don't want that for yourself, though, do you? Of course you dont.
So what's the trick? I mean...there isn't one. It's HARD FUCKING WORK. Every day, you MAKE yourself write one sentence, even if it sucks and you know it's going to get mucked out later. It doesn't matter. You MAKE yourself write. You put your ass in the seat, pinch off an amazing stink loaf, then sort through it later for those lingering little gems of amazeballs.
You do it every day. And you keep doing it. And you KEEP fucking doing it!
Before you know it, you have a draft ready to be edited. That's where the magic happens. All that shit you spewed on the page gets polished to a high sheen. Your book baby is born. FINALLY! GLORIOUS DAY!
...but this won't happen because you're still flashing your dirty asshole at me.
I don't want your excuses. I want you to look up and realize this is WORK and you CAN do it. I have all the faith in the world that you can.
Now go pinch a loaf on the page, you dirty wordsmith.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Marketing: I Call Shenanigans
So I promised I'd share more on what works with marketing as I gained more experience. This blog deals more with what DOESN'T work.
So, here's the thing. I'm on that fuck douchery called Twitter, right? It's kind of a hit and miss highway of information that doesn't do much for me in the scheme of things. I can't say I've made a single sale there.
This has been my experience thus far:
Find authors.
Attempt to connect with authors.
Get blindsided in a dark room.
Have books bashed over my head while I scream for help.
This is a screenshot of my inbox:
Now, as you can see, the fuck douchery is thick here. Almost every single one of these is an auto generated response or some random bullshit sent via crowdfire. Like...you can't even take the time to say hi yourself? What is the fucking point?
I'm just gonna be blunt here. If you don't even take enough pride in your work to sell me on it, why in the hell would I bother to even look at it? These messages put me off of even speaking with people, let alone wanting to see what's going to crop up in their feed. I have more people on mute than anything after this. And the one person I ASSUMED had sent a legit message? Nupe. I took the time to respond and got nothing in return. Great connecting with you, assflap.
If I wanted to read your book based on the fact that you wrote it, I would have already added it to my list. There are a handful of authors that warrant such a privilege on their name alone. Chances are, you aren't one of them.
You want to sell me your book? Sell YOURSELF to me first. I don't imagine I'm alone in this. I will never crowdfire or tell you to check out my blog, much less drop links to shit you don't give a fuck about. If you ask, I will respond. I assume the same could be said for most people.
One of the people I do follow and interact with on Twitter has said, more or less, "If you aren't dead and famous posthumously, chances are I don't want to read your book." I agree when it comes to the ceaseless, meaningless, dark room blindsiding of my inbox. Just stop it!
If you can't market yourself, your book, blog, or youtube channel mean less than bellybutton lint. Fact, yo.
Anyway, be interesting. Engage people. Give a fuck what they say; they tend to return the favor. Otherwise, you're just one more voice in that dark room, one more asshat bonking me on the head with your dried out marketing technique. Frankly, I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Zip it up and act right. You are more than your book, you ill-mannered ape."
So, here's the thing. I'm on that fuck douchery called Twitter, right? It's kind of a hit and miss highway of information that doesn't do much for me in the scheme of things. I can't say I've made a single sale there.
This has been my experience thus far:
Find authors.
Attempt to connect with authors.
Get blindsided in a dark room.
Have books bashed over my head while I scream for help.
This is a screenshot of my inbox:
Now, as you can see, the fuck douchery is thick here. Almost every single one of these is an auto generated response or some random bullshit sent via crowdfire. Like...you can't even take the time to say hi yourself? What is the fucking point?
I'm just gonna be blunt here. If you don't even take enough pride in your work to sell me on it, why in the hell would I bother to even look at it? These messages put me off of even speaking with people, let alone wanting to see what's going to crop up in their feed. I have more people on mute than anything after this. And the one person I ASSUMED had sent a legit message? Nupe. I took the time to respond and got nothing in return. Great connecting with you, assflap.
If I wanted to read your book based on the fact that you wrote it, I would have already added it to my list. There are a handful of authors that warrant such a privilege on their name alone. Chances are, you aren't one of them.
You want to sell me your book? Sell YOURSELF to me first. I don't imagine I'm alone in this. I will never crowdfire or tell you to check out my blog, much less drop links to shit you don't give a fuck about. If you ask, I will respond. I assume the same could be said for most people.
One of the people I do follow and interact with on Twitter has said, more or less, "If you aren't dead and famous posthumously, chances are I don't want to read your book." I agree when it comes to the ceaseless, meaningless, dark room blindsiding of my inbox. Just stop it!
If you can't market yourself, your book, blog, or youtube channel mean less than bellybutton lint. Fact, yo.
Anyway, be interesting. Engage people. Give a fuck what they say; they tend to return the favor. Otherwise, you're just one more voice in that dark room, one more asshat bonking me on the head with your dried out marketing technique. Frankly, I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Zip it up and act right. You are more than your book, you ill-mannered ape."
Monday, May 2, 2016
Ebooks and Authors: A Swashbuckling Adventure
The title of this blog is probably horrifyingly inappropriate and misleading when you get right down to it, but it stands. When I'm met with something this awful, I have to find laughter because the alternative is to rip my hair out and offer up impotent rage. It's no longer cool to drink from the skulls of your enemies, so this is what I use to cope--a piddly little blog.
So what had the potential to get me so worked up in the first place? Simply put, entitlement and complete disrespect.
Yesterday, in one of the many writing groups I haunt, a member shared a status from another author. This woman--heretofore known as The Aggrieved--shared a screenshot from a "fan." It went viral in the writing community.
The long and short of it--and I'm grossly paraphrasing here--went a little something like this:
Hey, Ms. Author Lady, I loved your books. I read every single one of them in ebook format..but then I took advantage of Amazon's return policies for ebooks by returning them. I just can't afford $0.99 or $2.99 for a book. Would you mind making your books free so I can enjoy them in the future instead of having to return those ebooks?
*dramatic pause* *big breath* *shaking of head*
Where do I even begin here? Does this "fan" have a mental issue that prevents common sense from flowing out of her brain and into her fingers? I'm just...agog.
This is how I break it down: if someone provides a service, you pay them for it. There is no discussion. You do not walk into a movie theatre and tell the ticket desk, "No, no...you don't understand. I can't afford the movie, but I LOVE this director. It should be free for me." You don't walk into Starbucks and tell the barrista, "Listen, I don't have any money, but that $5 cup of coffee is my favorite. It should be free for me."
These people perform a job, you pay them for it. It isn't a difficult concept to grasp.
The reason I suggest this "fan" must have a common sense dam is because when The Aggrieved blocked them, reported their ebook scam to Amazon, and shared the message...this "fan" did not let it go. They created ANOTHER account to harass the author.
Again, gross paraphrasing, but the two messages went something like this:
How dare you block me and make me have to start another account? And how dare you share my private messages? My feelings are hurt, and you aren't doing this author thing right. Lots of authors make me a beta. You could have been a best seller if you just sat down and acted like you're supposed to. I shouldn't have to pay for the stories in your head. Now I'm having trouble returning an ebook and it's all you're fault!
*wide eyed amazement* *complete rage* *cue murderface on The Aggrieved's behalf*
Brian: We can't murderface, K.
Me: Yes we can, Brian. Did you see what they said?!
Brian: Yes. We still can't murderface. You'll go to jail, and I'll explode from quarantined creativity.
Me: You're right. *big breath* Let's blog!
Okay, point one here: entitlement. Say it with me, kids: YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO A DAMN THING.
You can't afford a book? Carry your ass to the library. Your library doesn't carry it? ASK the author if you can beta or get an ARC. They say no? Ask your friends and family to buy a copy for you. Any questions? No? Didn't think so.
Point two: reality. Say it with me kids: I WILL PAY FOR SERVICES RENDERED, AS ANYTHING LESS IS THEFT.
This person asserts they shouldn't have to pay for the stories in The Aggrieved's head. Why not? They provide hours of entertainment. The Aggrieved shelled out money to publish, and has every right to charge for the service they provide.
WARNING: I will now wax philosophical. Feel free to skip this part.
How does an artist go about putting a price tag on a piece of themselves? That book came from the author's brain, found its way to the page, went through countless edits, and became a thing of beauty. It provides a service in opening up to the outside world what was, before, a rich inner world. It is ridiculous to think something like that holds no value, and to say so is complete disrespect.
/End philosophical rant./
Back on the monetary issue, let's talk facts. The Aggrieved charged $0.99 and $2.99 for her works. Since the bottom dropped out of the ebook market, this author makes CENTS off of the sale of a $0.99 book. While charging $2.99 does offer a slighter monetary gain, the big deal here is distribution and valuing your work. In the end, this is not much to ask for what took months to years to create.
Furthermore, for every ebook sold, a delivery fee is charged for that file being put onto the buyer's device. Cents, albeit, but a delivery fee nonetheless. Amazon doesn't refund that delivery fee, so now the author has essentially paid this "fan" to read a book.
Let me be clear: this is THEFT. Plain and simple, this "fan" has now taken money out of this author's already small stream of revenue by returning a book that is already undervalued.
So here's the bottom line, don't be a disrespectful, thieving piece of shit. Authors are providing you a service, one you should pay for. If you cannot, there are other ways to address that without going Misery on your favorite author.
Don't cut the legs out from under an author. Lift them up and support them; many of us can't live off of the pittance we make from publishing. We do this because we love hearing from our readers--and not that they've been stealing from us for years. Use your damn head, for fuck's sake.
So what had the potential to get me so worked up in the first place? Simply put, entitlement and complete disrespect.
Yesterday, in one of the many writing groups I haunt, a member shared a status from another author. This woman--heretofore known as The Aggrieved--shared a screenshot from a "fan." It went viral in the writing community.
The long and short of it--and I'm grossly paraphrasing here--went a little something like this:
Hey, Ms. Author Lady, I loved your books. I read every single one of them in ebook format..but then I took advantage of Amazon's return policies for ebooks by returning them. I just can't afford $0.99 or $2.99 for a book. Would you mind making your books free so I can enjoy them in the future instead of having to return those ebooks?
*dramatic pause* *big breath* *shaking of head*
Where do I even begin here? Does this "fan" have a mental issue that prevents common sense from flowing out of her brain and into her fingers? I'm just...agog.
This is how I break it down: if someone provides a service, you pay them for it. There is no discussion. You do not walk into a movie theatre and tell the ticket desk, "No, no...you don't understand. I can't afford the movie, but I LOVE this director. It should be free for me." You don't walk into Starbucks and tell the barrista, "Listen, I don't have any money, but that $5 cup of coffee is my favorite. It should be free for me."
These people perform a job, you pay them for it. It isn't a difficult concept to grasp.
The reason I suggest this "fan" must have a common sense dam is because when The Aggrieved blocked them, reported their ebook scam to Amazon, and shared the message...this "fan" did not let it go. They created ANOTHER account to harass the author.
Again, gross paraphrasing, but the two messages went something like this:
How dare you block me and make me have to start another account? And how dare you share my private messages? My feelings are hurt, and you aren't doing this author thing right. Lots of authors make me a beta. You could have been a best seller if you just sat down and acted like you're supposed to. I shouldn't have to pay for the stories in your head. Now I'm having trouble returning an ebook and it's all you're fault!
*wide eyed amazement* *complete rage* *cue murderface on The Aggrieved's behalf*
Brian: We can't murderface, K.
Me: Yes we can, Brian. Did you see what they said?!
Brian: Yes. We still can't murderface. You'll go to jail, and I'll explode from quarantined creativity.
Me: You're right. *big breath* Let's blog!
Okay, point one here: entitlement. Say it with me, kids: YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO A DAMN THING.
You can't afford a book? Carry your ass to the library. Your library doesn't carry it? ASK the author if you can beta or get an ARC. They say no? Ask your friends and family to buy a copy for you. Any questions? No? Didn't think so.
Point two: reality. Say it with me kids: I WILL PAY FOR SERVICES RENDERED, AS ANYTHING LESS IS THEFT.
This person asserts they shouldn't have to pay for the stories in The Aggrieved's head. Why not? They provide hours of entertainment. The Aggrieved shelled out money to publish, and has every right to charge for the service they provide.
WARNING: I will now wax philosophical. Feel free to skip this part.
How does an artist go about putting a price tag on a piece of themselves? That book came from the author's brain, found its way to the page, went through countless edits, and became a thing of beauty. It provides a service in opening up to the outside world what was, before, a rich inner world. It is ridiculous to think something like that holds no value, and to say so is complete disrespect.
/End philosophical rant./
Back on the monetary issue, let's talk facts. The Aggrieved charged $0.99 and $2.99 for her works. Since the bottom dropped out of the ebook market, this author makes CENTS off of the sale of a $0.99 book. While charging $2.99 does offer a slighter monetary gain, the big deal here is distribution and valuing your work. In the end, this is not much to ask for what took months to years to create.
Furthermore, for every ebook sold, a delivery fee is charged for that file being put onto the buyer's device. Cents, albeit, but a delivery fee nonetheless. Amazon doesn't refund that delivery fee, so now the author has essentially paid this "fan" to read a book.
Let me be clear: this is THEFT. Plain and simple, this "fan" has now taken money out of this author's already small stream of revenue by returning a book that is already undervalued.
So here's the bottom line, don't be a disrespectful, thieving piece of shit. Authors are providing you a service, one you should pay for. If you cannot, there are other ways to address that without going Misery on your favorite author.
Don't cut the legs out from under an author. Lift them up and support them; many of us can't live off of the pittance we make from publishing. We do this because we love hearing from our readers--and not that they've been stealing from us for years. Use your damn head, for fuck's sake.
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