Punctuation: A Quick and Dirty Guide

There are "editors" out there who will sell a service without even knowing the basics of punctuation, and it's come to my attention they are saturating the indie market with subpar work. This is one of those "you get what you pay for" moments, but just read this and self-check you are getting what you pay for, people.

Basic sentence:

I run.

This is present tense. A complete sentence with subject and verb. You end it with a god damn period.

I run?

See above. Only it's a question. So you use a god damn question mark.

I run!

See first example. Except this one shows an emphatic declaration, so you use a god damn exclamation point.

Hyphens:

I run twenty-one miles a day.

Use hyphens to denote two words that are conjoined. In the case of numbers, you show they are related by separating them as shown above.

I run like a rocket-fueled jet.

In the case of an adjective-verb conjunction, use the hyphen to show the two words are related.

Dashes:

I run--really fast.

Dashes are used for dramatic effect. Think *big breath/dramatic pause* in the place of a dash.

I run--really fast, mind you--and nobody can keep up.

Dashes are also used to introduce an aside. These interrupt the sentence to show something used for dramatic effect which is directly related to the sentence.

Semicolons:

I run extremely fast; it's a gift.

Semicolons are used to conjoin two complete, related sentences.

I run three miles on Wednesday; four miles on Thursday; two miles on Saturday morning, or two miles on Saturday evening; and six miles on Sunday.

Semicolons are also used in the case of complex lists when comma usage may detract from clarity of the sentence.

Colons:

I run two days a week: Monday and Saturday.

Colons are used to introduce a related bit of information. Like a dash? See below.

I run quickly for many reasons: endurance training, athletic build, and to outpace killer clowns from outer space.

Although used like a dash, the pause is not as dramatic in the case of semicolons. This is the humdrum, pat-your-mouth-with-fake-yawn of punctuation.

Commas:

Okay, seriously, look this shit up when in doubt. There is entirely too much to cover on comma usage, and you will probably get it wrong anyway without formal education.

Ellipses:

I run...sometimes.

This is a big one and is stylistically interchangeable in many ways. First of all, ellipses are three dots. End of discussion. Three dots to indicate a thought or speech pausing as shown above. Some styles indicate the use of a space on either side of an ellipses, but this is more stiffly adhered to in an academic setting.

I run when I'm upset, or...

Ellipses can also indicate a thought trailing off. In some cases, styles dictate you need end punctuation in this case. AGAIN, this is more strictly adhered to in an academic setting. For creative writing, the end punctuation is not necessary for examples like this.

Do you run for the thrill, or...?

In this case, the question is left hanging. It's a question, so it needs the question mark. Again, some styles indicate you need a space on either side of the ellipses, but that is not a strict rule for creative endeavors.

Quotation marks:

"I like to run."

This is a simple sentence of speech. Open quotes before dialogue. End punctuation. Close quotes.

"I like to run," she said.

In cases of dialogue tags, ALWAYS PUT YOUR FUCKING COMMA INSIDE THE QUOTES. This applies to question marks, exclamation marks, and friggin' ellipses, too. Your dialogue tag will always be lower case unless the first word begins with a proper noun in cases like this ("I like to run!" He-Man screamed while raising his sword aloft.).

"I like to run," she said, pausing with a dramatic sigh, "but my boyfriend doesn't."

When a tag interrupts dialogue, you will format it like so.

"I like to run"--she shrugged and pulled a face--"but my boyfriend doesn't."

What you see here is an interruption of dialogue. This physical aside is not a tag, so commas will not introduce it. DASHES, PEOPLE.

Anyway, as you can see, this really is quick and dirty. Check what you get back on a sample line edit and make sure the person you've hired is worth their salt. You are paying for an intensive service, and it will cost you, but don't let yourself be taken advantage of merely out of ignorance. Do the thing. Do it well. Write on, Wordsmiths.

On Writing: Excuses Are Like Assholes

Okay, I really feel this needs to be said. You want to know what divides a writer from an author? Hard. Fucking. Work. Excuses are like assholes: we all have them and they all stink.

There is no such thing as a muse in the traditional Greek sense, nor is this a valid excuse to waste your time. Do you know what I think when someone says their muse is on vacation? I think...when did Kelly go on vacation? I just saw a post in her group not an hour ago!

Do you know what I think when you keep saying you don't know where to start? I think you're never going to finish that book if you don't at least try. It is just another excuse.

When you tell me you don't have the time, I think back to my ridiculous work schedule in both college and when I was a bartender. College was my most prolific writing time. It wasn't because I had the time; it was because writing for myself was more appealing than the course work.

When I worked at the bar, I was pulling 15 hour shifts Wednesday through Sunday. Did I mention I was also working on my Masters degree? I was dead on my feet more often than not, and yet I STILL managed to bang out a few short stories and chapters on existing projects. It wasn't because it was easier; it was because I WANTED it.

When I had my kid, I managed to write and publish a book despite the fact that she never slept...and therefore, I never slept. It wasn't because it was easy. It was because I FUCKING WANTED IT.

So here's the skinny, guys. How fucking bad do you want it?

You wanna know what I think when you give me these excuses? I think you're overwhelmed, unsure, and you're setting yourself up for failure by not even trying. And you know what? It's completely fucking normal; every one of us, in some way or another, has sabotaged ourself at some point. You don't want that for yourself, though, do you? Of course you dont.

So what's the trick? I mean...there isn't one. It's HARD FUCKING WORK. Every day, you MAKE yourself write one sentence, even if it sucks and you know it's going to get mucked out later. It doesn't matter. You MAKE yourself write. You put your ass in the seat, pinch off an amazing stink loaf, then sort through it later for those lingering little gems of amazeballs.

You do it every day. And you keep doing it. And you KEEP fucking doing it!

Before you know it, you have a draft ready to be edited. That's where the magic happens. All that shit you spewed on the page gets polished to a high sheen. Your book baby is born. FINALLY! GLORIOUS DAY!

...but this won't happen because you're still flashing your dirty asshole at me.

I don't want your excuses. I want you to look up and realize this is WORK and you CAN do it. I have all the faith in the world that you can.

Now go pinch a loaf on the page, you dirty wordsmith.

Marketing: I Call Shenanigans

So I promised I'd share more on what works with marketing as I gained more experience. This blog deals more with what DOESN'T work.

So, here's the thing. I'm on that fuck douchery called Twitter, right? It's kind of a hit and miss highway of information that doesn't do much for me in the scheme of things. I can't say I've made a single sale there.

This has been my experience thus far:

Find authors.
Attempt to connect with authors.
Get blindsided in a dark room.
Have books bashed over my head while I scream for help.

This is a screenshot of my inbox:

Now, as you can see, the fuck douchery is thick here. Almost every single one of these is an auto generated response or some random bullshit sent via crowdfire. Like...you can't even take the time to say hi yourself? What is the fucking point?

I'm just gonna be blunt here. If you don't even take enough pride in your work to sell me on it, why in the hell would I bother to even look at it? These messages put me off of even speaking with people, let alone wanting to see what's going to crop up in their feed. I have more people on mute than anything after this. And the one person I ASSUMED had sent a legit message? Nupe. I took the time to respond and got nothing in return. Great connecting with you, assflap.

If I wanted to read your book based on the fact that you wrote it, I would have already added it to my list. There are a handful of authors that warrant such a privilege on their name alone. Chances are, you aren't one of them.

You want to sell me your book? Sell YOURSELF to me first. I don't imagine I'm alone in this. I will never crowdfire or tell you to check out my blog, much less drop links to shit you don't give a fuck about. If you ask, I will respond. I assume the same could be said for most people.

One of the people I do follow and interact with on Twitter has said, more or less, "If you aren't dead and famous posthumously, chances are I don't want to read your book." I agree when it comes to the ceaseless, meaningless, dark room blindsiding of my inbox. Just stop it!

If you can't market yourself, your book, blog, or youtube channel mean less than bellybutton lint. Fact, yo.

Anyway, be interesting. Engage people. Give a fuck what they say; they tend to return the favor. Otherwise, you're just one more voice in that dark room, one more asshat bonking me on the head with your dried out marketing technique. Frankly, I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Zip it up and act right. You are more than your book, you ill-mannered ape."

Ebooks and Authors: A Swashbuckling Adventure

The title of this blog is probably horrifyingly inappropriate and misleading when you get right down to it, but it stands. When I'm met with something this awful, I have to find laughter because the alternative is to rip my hair out and offer up impotent rage. It's no longer cool to drink from the skulls of your enemies, so this is what I use to cope--a piddly little blog.

So what had the potential to get me so worked up in the first place? Simply put, entitlement and complete disrespect.

Yesterday, in one of the many writing groups I haunt, a member shared a status from another author. This woman--heretofore known as The Aggrieved--shared a screenshot from a "fan." It went viral in the writing community.

The long and short of it--and I'm grossly paraphrasing here--went a little something like this:

Hey, Ms. Author Lady, I loved your books. I read every single one of them in ebook format..but then I took advantage of Amazon's return policies for ebooks by returning them. I just can't afford $0.99 or $2.99 for a book. Would you mind making your books free so I can enjoy them in the future instead of having to return those ebooks?

*dramatic pause* *big breath* *shaking of head*

Where do I even begin here? Does this "fan" have a mental issue that prevents common sense from flowing out of her brain and into her fingers? I'm just...agog.

This is how I break it down: if someone provides a service, you pay them for it. There is no discussion. You do not walk into a movie theatre and tell the ticket desk, "No, no...you don't understand. I can't afford the movie, but I LOVE this director. It should be free for me." You don't walk into Starbucks and tell the barrista, "Listen, I don't have any money, but that $5 cup of coffee is my favorite. It should be free for me."

These people perform a job, you pay them for it. It isn't a difficult concept to grasp.

The reason I suggest this "fan" must have a common sense dam is because when The Aggrieved blocked them, reported their ebook scam to Amazon, and shared the message...this "fan" did not let it go. They created ANOTHER account to harass the author.

Again, gross paraphrasing, but the two messages went something like this:

How dare you block me and make me have to start another account? And how dare you share my private messages? My feelings are hurt, and you aren't doing this author thing right. Lots of authors make me a beta. You could have been a best seller if you just sat down and acted like you're supposed to. I shouldn't have to pay for the stories in your head. Now I'm having trouble returning an ebook and it's all you're fault!

*wide eyed amazement* *complete rage* *cue murderface on The Aggrieved's behalf*

Brian: We can't murderface, K.
Me: Yes we can, Brian. Did you see what they said?!
Brian: Yes. We still can't murderface. You'll go to jail, and I'll explode from quarantined creativity.
Me: You're right. *big breath* Let's blog!

Okay, point one here: entitlement. Say it with me, kids: YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO A DAMN THING.

You can't afford a book? Carry your ass to the library. Your library doesn't carry it? ASK the author if you can beta or get an ARC. They say no? Ask your friends and family to buy a copy for you. Any questions? No? Didn't think so.

Point two: reality. Say it with me kids: I WILL PAY FOR SERVICES RENDERED, AS ANYTHING LESS IS THEFT.

This person asserts they shouldn't have to pay for the stories in The Aggrieved's head. Why not? They provide hours of entertainment. The Aggrieved shelled out money to publish, and has every right to charge for the service they provide.

WARNING: I will now wax philosophical. Feel free to skip this part.

How does an artist go about putting a price tag on a piece of themselves? That book came from the author's brain, found its way to the page, went through countless edits, and became a thing of beauty. It provides a service in opening up to the outside world what was, before, a rich inner world. It is ridiculous to think something like that holds no value, and to say so is complete disrespect.

/End philosophical rant./

Back on the monetary issue, let's talk facts. The Aggrieved charged $0.99 and $2.99 for her works. Since the bottom dropped out of the ebook market, this author makes CENTS off of the sale of a $0.99 book. While charging $2.99 does offer a slighter monetary gain, the big deal here is distribution and valuing your work. In the end, this is not much to ask for what took months to years to create.

Furthermore, for every ebook sold, a delivery fee is charged for that file being put onto the buyer's device. Cents, albeit, but a delivery fee nonetheless. Amazon doesn't refund that delivery fee, so now the author has essentially paid this "fan" to read a book.

Let me be clear: this is THEFT. Plain and simple, this "fan" has now taken money out of this author's already small stream of revenue by returning a book that is already undervalued.

So here's the bottom line, don't be a disrespectful, thieving piece of shit. Authors are providing you a service, one you should pay for. If you cannot, there are other ways to address that without going Misery on your favorite author.

Don't cut the legs out from under an author. Lift them up and support them; many of us can't live off of the pittance we make from publishing. We do this because we love hearing from our readers--and not that they've been stealing from us for years. Use your damn head, for fuck's sake.

Diverting Streams: How to Combat a Troll

Hello again, lovelies. Today's blog touches on a throwback, with elements of both the Mayo Jar incident and the Criticism blog.

Today on Twitter, I came across my first real-deal, salty as fuck troll. Behold the post that started it all:

For those who have been following my blog, Twitter, or the author page I maintain on Facebook...you know this is just me. I am not pretentious. Mayo Jar aside, I'm generally well versed in how to comport myself around others.

My use of the word "fuck" is not an indication of my intelligence or class, merely an aspect of my personality. And on MY pages, I will say whatever the fucking god damn shit I want.

But I digress.

The Tweet in question garnered a bit of attention, nothing extravagant--a few likes, RTs, and comments. It was meant as a joke and generally taken as one.

Then there was this:

Now, at first, I truly thought this was a joke. What follows is my cluelessness at play and a ridiculous spew of nonsequitur vitriol. Innocent parties have been blued out.

As you can see, I attempted to remain polite here. I didn't bother to argue with this person for a few reasons:

1. Trolls be trollin'.
2. 140 character limit.
3. I do not need this person's validation.

Now you notice here when I acknowledged where the vitriol came from, his tone changed. I am going to go out on a limb here and say he was only offended by the language and my refusal to acknowledge (See: ignorance of) it spurred the unrelated and hateful comments.

Right. So I mentioned the Mayo Jar earlier. I stepped out of line and thoroughly embarrassed myself on someone else's Twitter with that shenanigan. Inappropriate humor is inappropriate, mm'kay?

That comes into play here because this person attempted to police not only me but another Twitter user who found my words amusing. It's downright condescending, but he basically pulled a Mayo Jar without the humor and presumed to tell us we are low brow for laughing at a pretty benign bit of word play.

Trolls will troll, but I stepped right into this because I thought it was an asinine dare. Given context, it doesn't make much sense at all, really. I guess he was trying to say a traditional publication company wouldn't touch us because our Internet presence is tainted? Regardless, online conversations are tone deaf in many ways.

Normally I would say don't bother to engage, but I removed that option. And while this did end on a...better note than where it started, it could have been avoided altogether had I not assumed this person was joking.

Keep this in mind, guys: if you engage, divert the water and flood the bridge. Killing them with kindness works better than firing back. But if you can, just find a different bridge absent the dirty shit flinger beneath it.

Evolution of a Plot: Planning Your Novel

So I'm sure a lot of you have come across the pantsing and planning debates. Or maybe you haven't. It doesn't matter. Whether you pants, plan, or fall somewhere in between, I have one nugget of wisdom: IT'S OKAY TO LET YOUR PLOT EVOLVE.

If you plan every detail down to a sneeze, this may not really touch you that much, but I'm willing to bet it does in the editing room. Things change. It's a fact of life. When writing a novel, you can bet your frilly little undies things will change. Maybe that character relationship you wrote fell a little flat and needs some extra TLC. Or maybe there's a plot hole you missed. Whatever the case, it is FINE if your plot needs to evolve to fill in the gaps.

So on pantsing or planning, I find myself somewhere in the middle. I throw out a vague outline of plans to cover my plot from point A to Z, but I let character interactions kind of move the plot at a more natural pace. It's worked well for me, but it also means my plot has to evolve as I write. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

The plantser element served me well in my first book, and it still stands for the next in the series. Chaos Rising is still in first draft mode, as in...unfinished. I recently had to restructure some of the plot, which meant adding some new bits and pieces into a formerly vague outline.

As an example of how my plantser method looks, I'm going to now share with you the ORIGINAL planning points for part one of the story. Try not to laugh too hard.

PART ONE:

Prologue

• Llilinth got what she wanted and had Selgetorn, but she foisted him off on Kea. So Selv is forever trying to win his mother's love and she could give a shit less. 

Chapters

• Invidia escapes Sotanocte with tome, but breaks her leg upon exiting the tunnels. Meets Gelfein and is taken aboard ship bound for Drow community, Shtepi ni’Det.

• Assault on Invidia by Neeral leads to mutiny. Crew rallies under Akorafae’s flag.

• Akorafae takes them on a dangerous assault of…somewhere on the coast? They sack a town, plunder and such, are almost trapped, use their own boat as a fire-ship to escape, and take on a captured vessel as the new flag ship.

• When they finally make it back to Shtepi n’Det, Invidia is introduced to “Stone,” the ossified elder. Through touch-transfer, Invidia sees what really happened to the Forefather (Forebelo), why his name was wiped from the records, and why the book she possesses is so very important.

• As she settles into her life in the community and continues to heal, Gelfein becomes her constant companion. He is relieved of his duties as quartermaster and made Invidia’s personal servant. Gelfein’s grandmother hopes to make a match between them (priestesses on surface can have families and are not separated from the community like they are in the Sotanocte). Neither Invidia nor Gelfein has any interest in romantic bullshit, but the arrangement suits them otherwise. He teaches her to understand languages by ear instead of relying so heavily on sign.

• Neeral is shunned within Shtepi ni’Det because of his foul behavior, and he’s stripped of all rights. He finally steals the tome and a small schooner, running along the coast until he disembarks in Midterkyst (the capitol of learning). He tries to find a buyer for the book, but nobody can read the Drow dialect.

• A member of the Tiernon steals the book from him and returns it to the tower to be translated. Saxa, a young scribe and linguist, takes months to fully understand the depths of the Drow language and transcribe the book, but she keeps coming back to the passage “On Breadth Keys,” completely fascinated by the prospect of a key that can transport the user ANYWHERE.

• Lleu is in Himin, getting pissed about all the unfair treatment at Freyr’s hands. A human monk—Filip—is allowed unfettered access to Himin while the angelli can’t even go near the well without reprimand. His anger gets to the breaking point and he stages a coup.

• There’s also shit going on in Sotanocte, not sure WHICH aspects to highlight, tbh. The Dell are the least clear to me in their affiliations and motivations. Llilinth is crazy bitch lady; Kea is sneaky sneak lady; and Selgetorn knows nothing, Jon Snow.

EPILOGUE

• ?? Um…stuff…

At it's conception, I knew the basic storylines and which characters I would concentrate on, so my planning was mostly character-based with a few high points in the plot thrown in, but it was in no way COMPLETE. I mean...LOOK AT IT.

Now, as the plot evolved around these characters, so did the planning. If we were to actually address which bits of this show up in the book, it might look a little more like THIS:

PART ONE:

Prologue

• Llilinth got what she wanted and had Selgetorn, but she foisted him off on Kea. So Selv is forever trying to win his mother's love and she could give a shit less. 

Chapters

• Invidia escapes Sotanocte with tome, but breaks her leg upon exiting the tunnels. Meets Gelfein and is taken aboard ship bound for Drow community, Shtepi ni’Det.

• Assault on Invidia by Neeral leads to mutiny. Crew rallies under Akorafae’s flag.

• Akorafae takes them on a dangerous assault of…somewhere on the coast? They sack a town, plunder and such, are almost trapped, use their own boat as a fire-ship to escape, and take on a captured vessel as the new flag ship. [Bunk plot point. Reworked to become character growth.]

• When they finally make it back to Shtepi n’Det, Invidia is introduced to “Stone,” the ossified elder. Through touch-transfer, Invidia sees what really happened to the Forefather (Forebelo), why his name was wiped from the records, and why the book she possesses is so very important.

• As she settles into her life in the community and continues to heal, Gelfein becomes her constant companion. He is relieved of his duties as quartermaster and made Invidia’s personal servant. Gelfein’s grandmother hopes to make a match between them (priestesses on surface can have families and are not separated from the community like they are in the Sotanocte). Neither Invidia nor Gelfein has any interest in romantic bullshit, but the arrangement suits them otherwise. He teaches her to understand languages by ear instead of relying so heavily on sign.

• Neeral is shunned within Shtepi ni’Det because of his foul behavior, and he’s stripped of all rights. He finally steals the tome and a small schooner, running along the coast until he disembarks in Midterkyst (the capitol of learning). He tries to find a buyer for the book, but nobody can read the Drow dialect.

• A member of the Tiernon steals the book from him and returns it the book to the tower to be translated. Saxa, a young scribe and linguist, takes months to fully understand the depths of the Drow language and transcribe the book, but she keeps coming back to the passage “On Breadth Keys,” completely fascinated by the prospect of a key that can transport the user ANYWHERE.

• Lleu is in Himin, getting pissed about all the unfair treatment at Freyr’s hands. A human monk—Filip—is allowed unfettered access to Himin while the angelli can’t even go near the well without reprimand. His anger gets to the breaking point and he stages a coup. [Expanded.]

• There’s also shit going on in Sotanocte, not sure WHICH aspects to highlight, tbh. The Dell are the least clear to me in their affiliations and motivations. Llilinth is crazy bitch lady; Kea is sneaky sneak lady; and Selgetorn knows nothing, Jon Snow. [Expanded.]

EPILOGUE

• ?? Um…stuff… [Filled in to tie up a subplot.]

SO, as you can see, it is perfectly normal to let your plot evolve and to rewrite, add to, or otherwise discard things. In the course of your writing, allow yourself to get it wrong, because you WILL eventually get it right, and then you will love the end result all the more for what it has become.

Write on, wordsmiths. I'll be cheering you on in the background.

Copyright: Yea or Nay?

So there's a lot of debate on whether or not you should file for copyright. Why waste $35 when you have the publication date? Simply put, the digital age is a free for all in pirating. I can list a handful of friends--indie and otherwise--who have had their work pirated in various markets. Would having a copyright claim help them?

Well, let's break this down, guys. You publish a book, decide to run a free campaign, or send out a few ARC copies to people you assumed were trusted friends, but now someone has pirated your book. You have the publication date, but that doesn't really mean much without the legal protection of a copyright claim. Can you prove YOU didn't steal your manuscript?

What does the pirate have on their side? No way to know. Can you get them to take down your pirated copy? Sometimes. Is this going to impact your sales? Probably.

There are a lot of things that end up in the air when something like this happens. Let's say the pirating site is based outside US territory. This doesn't always happen, but sometimes this ends up with a scary loophole where you can't do anything to get it taken down. The worst part of this, however, is if the pirate decides to press against you, that may mean your book gets frozen on Amazon until the issue is resolved.

A blogger posted about this very incident (a blog which I've now lost). The author's account and sales were frozen pending an inquiry. But then, another person swooped in and offered help for a nominal fee. Obviously a scam, but I'm sure unsuspecting indies have fallen for it when they didn't have the backing of a press to go to bat for them. Could this author have saved themselves by having a copyright claim? Again, probably.

This is on the more dire end of the spectrum, of course, but the result is clear. If you want protection as an indie, copyright is your friend.

But maybe you've heard of poor man's copyright. Mail your manuscript to yourself and don't open it, right? TOTALLY legit. No, actually. This is a myth, and it will not protect you.

What about getting a notary to stamp the seal of approval on a signed contract stating you are the owner of your copyright? Mmm...shady, iffy, maybe, but it may not hold up in court should things ever progress to that point. And really, this will still cost you about $10. Why not go the extra mile for the extra protection?

You present an actual copyright in any of these situations, and it will clear itself up a lot more quickly. Plus, you avoid the whole "maybe" scenario. There is no MAYBE involved when you have a legit claim. And, let's be honest, there isn't much you can do outside of this. As mentioned, a publication date doesn't do anything protect you, poor man's copyright doesn't exist, and other (SEE: Cheaper) avenues aren't necessarily legally binding.

In all, I'm firmly in the "why risk it" camp. For $35, you get the legal backing to protect yourself from a handful of scams and pirating tactics that could impact your brand and sales. Don't risk it.

Carry your ass to the US Copyright Office online and follow their VERY simple instructions to register a copyright claim. Don't argue. Just go. Keep in mind you only have 30 days to register after you publish your book, so if this is a case of needing to find the funds, plan ahead. Much like a condom, copyright protects you from oopsies. Keep that shit in your back pocket.