Monday, September 19, 2016

Punctuation: A Quick and Dirty Guide

There are "editors" out there who will sell a service without even knowing the basics of punctuation, and it's come to my attention they are saturating the indie market with subpar work. This is one of those "you get what you pay for" moments, but just read this and self-check you are getting what you pay for, people.

Basic sentence:

I run.

This is present tense. A complete sentence with subject and verb. You end it with a god damn period.

I run?

See above. Only it's a question. So you use a god damn question mark.

I run!

See first example. Except this one shows an emphatic declaration, so you use a god damn exclamation point.

Hyphens:

I run twenty-one miles a day.

Use hyphens to denote two words that are conjoined. In the case of numbers, you show they are related by separating them as shown above.

I run like a rocket-fueled jet.

In the case of an adjective-verb conjunction, use the hyphen to show the two words are related.

Dashes:

I run--really fast.

Dashes are used for dramatic effect. Think *big breath/dramatic pause* in the place of a dash.

I run--really fast, mind you--and nobody can keep up.

Dashes are also used to introduce an aside. These interrupt the sentence to show something used for dramatic effect which is directly related to the sentence.

Semicolons:

I run extremely fast; it's a gift.

Semicolons are used to conjoin two complete, related sentences.

I run three miles on Wednesday; four miles on Thursday; two miles on Saturday morning, or two miles on Saturday evening; and six miles on Sunday.

Semicolons are also used in the case of complex lists when comma usage may detract from clarity of the sentence.

Colons:

I run two days a week: Monday and Saturday.

Colons are used to introduce a related bit of information. Like a dash? See below.

I run quickly for many reasons: endurance training, athletic build, and to outpace killer clowns from outer space.

Although used like a dash, the pause is not as dramatic in the case of semicolons. This is the humdrum, pat-your-mouth-with-fake-yawn of punctuation.

Commas:

Okay, seriously, look this shit up when in doubt. There is entirely too much to cover on comma usage, and you will probably get it wrong anyway without formal education.

Ellipses:

I run...sometimes.

This is a big one and is stylistically interchangeable in many ways. First of all, ellipses are three dots. End of discussion. Three dots to indicate a thought or speech pausing as shown above. Some styles indicate the use of a space on either side of an ellipses, but this is more stiffly adhered to in an academic setting.

I run when I'm upset, or...

Ellipses can also indicate a thought trailing off. In some cases, styles dictate you need end punctuation in this case. AGAIN, this is more strictly adhered to in an academic setting. For creative writing, the end punctuation is not necessary for examples like this.

Do you run for the thrill, or...?

In this case, the question is left hanging. It's a question, so it needs the question mark. Again, some styles indicate you need a space on either side of the ellipses, but that is not a strict rule for creative endeavors.

Quotation marks:

"I like to run."

This is a simple sentence of speech. Open quotes before dialogue. End punctuation. Close quotes.

"I like to run," she said.

In cases of dialogue tags, ALWAYS PUT YOUR FUCKING COMMA INSIDE THE QUOTES. This applies to question marks, exclamation marks, and friggin' ellipses, too. Your dialogue tag will always be lower case unless the first word begins with a proper noun in cases like this ("I like to run!" He-Man screamed while raising his sword aloft.).

"I like to run," she said, pausing with a dramatic sigh, "but my boyfriend doesn't."

When a tag interrupts dialogue, you will format it like so.

"I like to run"--she shrugged and pulled a face--"but my boyfriend doesn't."

What you see here is an interruption of dialogue. This physical aside is not a tag, so commas will not introduce it. DASHES, PEOPLE.

Anyway, as you can see, this really is quick and dirty. Check what you get back on a sample line edit and make sure the person you've hired is worth their salt. You are paying for an intensive service, and it will cost you, but don't let yourself be taken advantage of merely out of ignorance. Do the thing. Do it well. Write on, Wordsmiths.




Thursday, May 19, 2016

On Writing: Excuses Are Like Assholes

Okay, I really feel this needs to be said. You want to know what divides a writer from an author? Hard. Fucking. Work. Excuses are like assholes: we all have them and they all stink.

There is no such thing as a muse in the traditional Greek sense, nor is this a valid excuse to waste your time. Do you know what I think when someone says their muse is on vacation? I think...when did Kelly go on vacation? I just saw a post in her group not an hour ago!

Do you know what I think when you keep saying you don't know where to start? I think you're never going to finish that book if you don't at least try. It is just another excuse.

When you tell me you don't have the time, I think back to my ridiculous work schedule in both college and when I was a bartender. College was my most prolific writing time. It wasn't because I had the time; it was because writing for myself was more appealing than the course work.

When I worked at the bar, I was pulling 15 hour shifts Wednesday through Sunday. Did I mention I was also working on my Masters degree? I was dead on my feet more often than not, and yet I STILL managed to bang out a few short stories and chapters on existing projects. It wasn't because it was easier; it was because I WANTED it.

When I had my kid, I managed to write and publish a book despite the fact that she never slept...and therefore, I never slept. It wasn't because it was easy. It was because I FUCKING WANTED IT.

So here's the skinny, guys. How fucking bad do you want it?

You wanna know what I think when you give me these excuses? I think you're overwhelmed, unsure, and you're setting yourself up for failure by not even trying. And you know what? It's completely fucking normal; every one of us, in some way or another, has sabotaged ourself at some point. You don't want that for yourself, though, do you? Of course you dont.

So what's the trick? I mean...there isn't one. It's HARD FUCKING WORK. Every day, you MAKE yourself write one sentence, even if it sucks and you know it's going to get mucked out later. It doesn't matter. You MAKE yourself write. You put your ass in the seat, pinch off an amazing stink loaf, then sort through it later for those lingering little gems of amazeballs.

You do it every day. And you keep doing it. And you KEEP fucking doing it!

Before you know it, you have a draft ready to be edited. That's where the magic happens. All that shit you spewed on the page gets polished to a high sheen. Your book baby is born. FINALLY! GLORIOUS DAY!

...but this won't happen because you're still flashing your dirty asshole at me.

I don't want your excuses. I want you to look up and realize this is WORK and you CAN do it. I have all the faith in the world that you can.

Now go pinch a loaf on the page, you dirty wordsmith.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Marketing: I Call Shenanigans

So I promised I'd share more on what works with marketing as I gained more experience. This blog deals more with what DOESN'T work.

So, here's the thing. I'm on that fuck douchery called Twitter, right? It's kind of a hit and miss highway of information that doesn't do much for me in the scheme of things. I can't say I've made a single sale there.

This has been my experience thus far:

Find authors.
Attempt to connect with authors.
Get blindsided in a dark room.
Have books bashed over my head while I scream for help.

This is a screenshot of my inbox:


Now, as you can see, the fuck douchery is thick here. Almost every single one of these is an auto generated response or some random bullshit sent via crowdfire. Like...you can't even take the time to say hi yourself? What is the fucking point?

I'm just gonna be blunt here. If you don't even take enough pride in your work to sell me on it, why in the hell would I bother to even look at it? These messages put me off of even speaking with people, let alone wanting to see what's going to crop up in their feed. I have more people on mute than anything after this. And the one person I ASSUMED had sent a legit message? Nupe. I took the time to respond and got nothing in return. Great connecting with you, assflap.

If I wanted to read your book based on the fact that you wrote it, I would have already added it to my list. There are a handful of authors that warrant such a privilege on their name alone. Chances are, you aren't one of them.

You want to sell me your book? Sell YOURSELF to me first. I don't imagine I'm alone in this. I will never crowdfire or tell you to check out my blog, much less drop links to shit you don't give a fuck about. If you ask, I will respond. I assume the same could be said for most people.

One of the people I do follow and interact with on Twitter has said, more or less, "If you aren't dead and famous posthumously, chances are I don't want to read your book." I agree when it comes to the ceaseless, meaningless, dark room blindsiding of my inbox. Just stop it!

If you can't market yourself, your book, blog, or youtube channel mean less than bellybutton lint. Fact, yo.

Anyway, be interesting. Engage people. Give a fuck what they say; they tend to return the favor. Otherwise, you're just one more voice in that dark room, one more asshat bonking me on the head with your dried out marketing technique. Frankly, I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Zip it up and act right. You are more than your book, you ill-mannered ape."

Monday, May 2, 2016

Ebooks and Authors: A Swashbuckling Adventure

The title of this blog is probably horrifyingly inappropriate and misleading when you get right down to it, but it stands. When I'm met with something this awful, I have to find laughter because the alternative is to rip my hair out and offer up impotent rage. It's no longer cool to drink from the skulls of your enemies, so this is what I use to cope--a piddly little blog.

So what had the potential to get me so worked up in the first place? Simply put, entitlement and complete disrespect.

Yesterday, in one of the many writing groups I haunt, a member shared a status from another author. This woman--heretofore known as The Aggrieved--shared a screenshot from a "fan." It went viral in the writing community.

The long and short of it--and I'm grossly paraphrasing here--went a little something like this:

Hey, Ms. Author Lady, I loved your books. I read every single one of them in ebook format..but then I took advantage of Amazon's return policies for ebooks by returning them. I just can't afford $0.99 or $2.99 for a book. Would you mind making your books free so I can enjoy them in the future instead of having to return those ebooks?

*dramatic pause* *big breath* *shaking of head*

Where do I even begin here? Does this "fan" have a mental issue that prevents common sense from flowing out of her brain and into her fingers? I'm just...agog.

This is how I break it down: if someone provides a service, you pay them for it. There is no discussion. You do not walk into a movie theatre and tell the ticket desk, "No, no...you don't understand. I can't afford the movie, but I LOVE this director. It should be free for me." You don't walk into Starbucks and tell the barrista, "Listen, I don't have any money, but that $5 cup of coffee is my favorite. It should be free for me."

These people perform a job, you pay them for it. It isn't a difficult concept to grasp.

The reason I suggest this "fan" must have a common sense dam is because when The Aggrieved blocked them, reported their ebook scam to Amazon, and shared the message...this "fan" did not let it go. They created ANOTHER account to harass the author.

Again, gross paraphrasing, but the two messages went something like this:

How dare you block me and make me have to start another account? And how dare you share my private messages? My feelings are hurt, and you aren't doing this author thing right. Lots of authors make me a beta. You could have been a best seller if you just sat down and acted like you're supposed to. I shouldn't have to pay for the stories in your head. Now I'm having trouble returning an ebook and it's all you're fault!

*wide eyed amazement* *complete rage* *cue murderface on The Aggrieved's behalf*

Brian: We can't murderface, K.
Me: Yes we can, Brian. Did you see what they said?!
Brian: Yes. We still can't murderface. You'll go to jail, and I'll explode from quarantined creativity.
Me: You're right. *big breath* Let's blog!

Okay, point one here: entitlement. Say it with me, kids: YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO A DAMN THING.

You can't afford a book? Carry your ass to the library. Your library doesn't carry it? ASK the author if you can beta or get an ARC. They say no? Ask your friends and family to buy a copy for you. Any questions? No? Didn't think so.

Point two: reality. Say it with me kids: I WILL PAY FOR SERVICES RENDERED, AS ANYTHING LESS IS THEFT.

This person asserts they shouldn't have to pay for the stories in The Aggrieved's head. Why not? They provide hours of entertainment. The Aggrieved shelled out money to publish, and has every right to charge for the service they provide.

WARNING: I will now wax philosophical. Feel free to skip this part.

How does an artist go about putting a price tag on a piece of themselves? That book came from the author's brain, found its way to the page, went through countless edits, and became a thing of beauty. It provides a service in opening up to the outside world what was, before, a rich inner world. It is ridiculous to think something like that holds no value, and to say so is complete disrespect.

/End philosophical rant./

Back on the monetary issue, let's talk facts. The Aggrieved charged $0.99 and $2.99 for her works. Since the bottom dropped out of the ebook market, this author makes CENTS off of the sale of a $0.99 book. While charging $2.99 does offer a slighter monetary gain, the big deal here is distribution and valuing your work. In the end, this is not much to ask for what took months to years to create.

Furthermore, for every ebook sold, a delivery fee is charged for that file being put onto the buyer's device. Cents, albeit, but a delivery fee nonetheless. Amazon doesn't refund that delivery fee, so now the author has essentially paid this "fan" to read a book.

Let me be clear: this is THEFT. Plain and simple, this "fan" has now taken money out of this author's already small stream of revenue by returning a book that is already undervalued.

So here's the bottom line, don't be a disrespectful, thieving piece of shit. Authors are providing you a service, one you should pay for. If you cannot, there are other ways to address that without going Misery on your favorite author.

Don't cut the legs out from under an author. Lift them up and support them; many of us can't live off of the pittance we make from publishing. We do this because we love hearing from our readers--and not that they've been stealing from us for years. Use your damn head, for fuck's sake.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Diverting Streams: How to Combat a Troll

Hello again, lovelies. Today's blog touches on a throwback, with elements of both the Mayo Jar incident and the Criticism blog.

Today on Twitter, I came across my first real-deal, salty as fuck troll. Behold the post that started it all:


For those who have been following my blog, Twitter, or the author page I maintain on Facebook...you know this is just me. I am not pretentious. Mayo Jar aside, I'm generally well versed in how to comport myself around others.

My use of the word "fuck" is not an indication of my intelligence or class, merely an aspect of my personality. And on MY pages, I will say whatever the fucking god damn shit I want.

But I digress.

The Tweet in question garnered a bit of attention, nothing extravagant--a few likes, RTs, and comments. It was meant as a joke and generally taken as one.

Then there was this:


Now, at first, I truly thought this was a joke. What follows is my cluelessness at play and a ridiculous spew of nonsequitur vitriol. Innocent parties have been blued out.




As you can see, I attempted to remain polite here. I didn't bother to argue with this person for a few reasons:

1. Trolls be trollin'.
2. 140 character limit.
3. I do not need this person's validation.

Now you notice here when I acknowledged where the vitriol came from, his tone changed. I am going to go out on a limb here and say he was only offended by the language and my refusal to acknowledge (See: ignorance of) it spurred the unrelated and hateful comments.

Right. So I mentioned the Mayo Jar earlier. I stepped out of line and thoroughly embarrassed myself on someone else's Twitter with that shenanigan. Inappropriate humor is inappropriate, mm'kay?

That comes into play here because this person attempted to police not only me but another Twitter user who found my words amusing. It's downright condescending, but he basically pulled a Mayo Jar without the humor and presumed to tell us we are low brow for laughing at a pretty benign bit of word play.

Trolls will troll, but I stepped right into this because I thought it was an asinine dare. Given context, it doesn't make much sense at all, really. I guess he was trying to say a traditional publication company wouldn't touch us because our Internet presence is tainted? Regardless, online conversations are tone deaf in many ways.

Normally I would say don't bother to engage, but I removed that option. And while this did end on a...better note than where it started, it could have been avoided altogether had I not assumed this person was joking.

Keep this in mind, guys: if you engage, divert the water and flood the bridge. Killing them with kindness works better than firing back. But if you can, just find a different bridge absent the dirty shit flinger beneath it.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Evolution of a Plot: Planning Your Novel

So I'm sure a lot of you have come across the pantsing and planning debates. Or maybe you haven't. It doesn't matter. Whether you pants, plan, or fall somewhere in between, I have one nugget of wisdom: IT'S OKAY TO LET YOUR PLOT EVOLVE.

If you plan every detail down to a sneeze, this may not really touch you that much, but I'm willing to bet it does in the editing room. Things change. It's a fact of life. When writing a novel, you can bet your frilly little undies things will change. Maybe that character relationship you wrote fell a little flat and needs some extra TLC. Or maybe there's a plot hole you missed. Whatever the case, it is FINE if your plot needs to evolve to fill in the gaps.

So on pantsing or planning, I find myself somewhere in the middle. I throw out a vague outline of plans to cover my plot from point A to Z, but I let character interactions kind of move the plot at a more natural pace. It's worked well for me, but it also means my plot has to evolve as I write. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

The plantser element served me well in my first book, and it still stands for the next in the series. Chaos Rising is still in first draft mode, as in...unfinished. I recently had to restructure some of the plot, which meant adding some new bits and pieces into a formerly vague outline.

As an example of how my plantser method looks, I'm going to now share with you the ORIGINAL planning points for part one of the story. Try not to laugh too hard.

PART ONE:

Prologue
  • Llilinth got what she wanted and had Selgetorn, but she foisted him off on Kea. So Selv is forever trying to win his mother's love and she could give a shit less. 
Chapters
  • Invidia escapes Sotanocte with tome, but breaks her leg upon exiting the tunnels. Meets Gelfein and is taken aboard ship bound for Drow community, Shtepi ni’Det.
  • Assault on Invidia by Neeral leads to mutiny. Crew rallies under Akorafae’s flag.
  • Akorafae takes them on a dangerous assault of…somewhere on the coast? They sack a town, plunder and such, are almost trapped, use their own boat as a fire-ship to escape, and take on a captured vessel as the new flag ship.
  • When they finally make it back to Shtepi n’Det, Invidia is introduced to “Stone,” the ossified elder. Through touch-transfer, Invidia sees what really happened to the Forefather (Forebelo), why his name was wiped from the records, and why the book she possesses is so very important.
  • As she settles into her life in the community and continues to heal, Gelfein becomes her constant companion. He is relieved of his duties as quartermaster and made Invidia’s personal servant. Gelfein’s grandmother hopes to make a match between them (priestesses on surface can have families and are not separated from the community like they are in the Sotanocte). Neither Invidia nor Gelfein has any interest in romantic bullshit, but the arrangement suits them otherwise. He teaches her to understand languages by ear instead of relying so heavily on sign.
  • Neeral is shunned within Shtepi ni’Det because of his foul behavior, and he’s stripped of all rights. He finally steals the tome and a small schooner, running along the coast until he disembarks in Midterkyst (the capitol of learning). He tries to find a buyer for the book, but nobody can read the Drow dialect.
  • A member of the Tiernon steals the book from him and returns it to the tower to be translated. Saxa, a young scribe and linguist, takes months to fully understand the depths of the Drow language and transcribe the book, but she keeps coming back to the passage “On Breadth Keys,” completely fascinated by the prospect of a key that can transport the user ANYWHERE.
  • Lleu is in Himin, getting pissed about all the unfair treatment at Freyr’s hands. A human monk—Filip—is allowed unfettered access to Himin while the angelli can’t even go near the well without reprimand. His anger gets to the breaking point and he stages a coup.
  • There’s also shit going on in Sotanocte, not sure WHICH aspects to highlight, tbh. The Dell are the least clear to me in their affiliations and motivations. Llilinth is crazy bitch lady; Kea is sneaky sneak lady; and Selgetorn knows nothing, Jon Snow.
EPILOGUE
  • ?? Um…stuff…


At it's conception, I knew the basic storylines and which characters I would concentrate on, so my planning was mostly character-based with a few high points in the plot thrown in, but it was in no way COMPLETE. I mean...LOOK AT IT.

Now, as the plot evolved around these characters, so did the planning. If we were to actually address which bits of this show up in the book, it might look a little more like THIS:

PART ONE:

Prologue
  • Llilinth got what she wanted and had Selgetorn, but she foisted him off on Kea. So Selv is forever trying to win his mother's love and she could give a shit less. 
Chapters
  • Invidia escapes Sotanocte with tome, but breaks her leg upon exiting the tunnels. Meets Gelfein and is taken aboard ship bound for Drow community, Shtepi ni’Det.
  • Assault on Invidia by Neeral leads to mutiny. Crew rallies under Akorafae’s flag.
  • Akorafae takes them on a dangerous assault of…somewhere on the coast? They sack a town, plunder and such, are almost trapped, use their own boat as a fire-ship to escape, and take on a captured vessel as the new flag ship. [Bunk plot point. Reworked to become character growth.]
  • When they finally make it back to Shtepi n’Det, Invidia is introduced to “Stone,” the ossified elder. Through touch-transfer, Invidia sees what really happened to the Forefather (Forebelo), why his name was wiped from the records, and why the book she possesses is so very important.
  • As she settles into her life in the community and continues to heal, Gelfein becomes her constant companion. He is relieved of his duties as quartermaster and made Invidia’s personal servant. Gelfein’s grandmother hopes to make a match between them (priestesses on surface can have families and are not separated from the community like they are in the Sotanocte). Neither Invidia nor Gelfein has any interest in romantic bullshit, but the arrangement suits them otherwise. He teaches her to understand languages by ear instead of relying so heavily on sign.
  • Neeral is shunned within Shtepi ni’Det because of his foul behavior, and he’s stripped of all rights. He finally steals the tome and a small schooner, running along the coast until he disembarks in Midterkyst (the capitol of learning). He tries to find a buyer for the book, but nobody can read the Drow dialect.
  • A member of the Tiernon steals the book from him and returns it the book to the tower to be translated. Saxa, a young scribe and linguist, takes months to fully understand the depths of the Drow language and transcribe the book, but she keeps coming back to the passage “On Breadth Keys,” completely fascinated by the prospect of a key that can transport the user ANYWHERE.
  • Lleu is in Himin, getting pissed about all the unfair treatment at Freyr’s hands. A human monk—Filip—is allowed unfettered access to Himin while the angelli can’t even go near the well without reprimand. His anger gets to the breaking point and he stages a coup. [Expanded.]
  • There’s also shit going on in Sotanocte, not sure WHICH aspects to highlight, tbh. The Dell are the least clear to me in their affiliations and motivations. Llilinth is crazy bitch lady; Kea is sneaky sneak lady; and Selgetorn knows nothing, Jon Snow. [Expanded.]
EPILOGUE
  • ?? Um…stuff… [Filled in to tie up a subplot.]

SO, as you can see, it is perfectly normal to let your plot evolve and to rewrite, add to, or otherwise discard things. In the course of your writing, allow yourself to get it wrong, because you WILL eventually get it right, and then you will love the end result all the more for what it has become.

Write on, wordsmiths. I'll be cheering you on in the background.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Copyright: Yea or Nay?

So there's a lot of debate on whether or not you should file for copyright. Why waste $35 when you have the publication date? Simply put, the digital age is a free for all in pirating. I can list a handful of friends--indie and otherwise--who have had their work pirated in various markets. Would having a copyright claim help them?

Well, let's break this down, guys. You publish a book, decide to run a free campaign, or send out a few ARC copies to people you assumed were trusted friends, but now someone has pirated your book. You have the publication date, but that doesn't really mean much without the legal protection of a copyright claim. Can you prove YOU didn't steal your manuscript?

What does the pirate have on their side? No way to know. Can you get them to take down your pirated copy? Sometimes. Is this going to impact your sales? Probably.

There are a lot of things that end up in the air when something like this happens. Let's say the pirating site is based outside US territory. This doesn't always happen, but sometimes this ends up with a scary loophole where you can't do anything to get it taken down. The worst part of this, however, is if the pirate decides to press against you, that may mean your book gets frozen on Amazon until the issue is resolved.

A blogger posted about this very incident (a blog which I've now lost). The author's account and sales were frozen pending an inquiry. But then, another person swooped in and offered help for a nominal fee. Obviously a scam, but I'm sure unsuspecting indies have fallen for it when they didn't have the backing of a press to go to bat for them. Could this author have saved themselves by having a copyright claim? Again, probably.

This is on the more dire end of the spectrum, of course, but the result is clear. If you want protection as an indie, copyright is your friend.

But maybe you've heard of poor man's copyright. Mail your manuscript to yourself and don't open it, right? TOTALLY legit. No, actually. This is a myth, and it will not protect you.

What about getting a notary to stamp the seal of approval on a signed contract stating you are the owner of your copyright? Mmm...shady, iffy, maybe, but it may not hold up in court should things ever progress to that point. And really, this will still cost you about $10. Why not go the extra mile for the extra protection?

You present an actual copyright in any of these situations, and it will clear itself up a lot more quickly. Plus, you avoid the whole "maybe" scenario. There is no MAYBE involved when you have a legit claim. And, let's be honest, there isn't much you can do outside of this. As mentioned, a publication date doesn't do anything protect you, poor man's copyright doesn't exist, and other (SEE: Cheaper) avenues aren't necessarily legally binding.

In all, I'm firmly in the "why risk it" camp. For $35, you get the legal backing to protect yourself from a handful of scams and pirating tactics that could impact your brand and sales. Don't risk it.

Carry your ass to the US Copyright Office online and follow their VERY simple instructions to register a copyright claim. Don't argue. Just go. Keep in mind you only have 30 days to register after you publish your book, so if this is a case of needing to find the funds, plan ahead. Much like a condom, copyright protects you from oopsies. Keep that shit in your back pocket.


Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Marketing: What the Actual Fuck...

Hey...ho...yeah! I see you over there. I wrote a friggin' book, hummie! When I started this blog...however long ago (feels like 10 years ago...but that's definitely not true), it was with this ephemeral little goal in mind that I've finally managed to achieve. Friggin' awesome, right?

CHECK THAT OUT! LOOKIT! Skeins Unfurled, my lovely book that I'm so very friggin' proud of, is now live on Amazon and CreateSpace (and for those that subscribe, free on KindleUnlimited). Yeah...obligatory plug. Whatever. I'M PROUD, DAMN IT! Have I mentioned I'm proud? I did? Oh...well...yeah, I am...


But just writing a book, making it pretty, and pushing the publish button doesn't really mean shit in this day and age when everybody and their dog can do (and are doing) the same thing, right? You're just a drop in a bucket in a sea of fuck its. Sad, but true.

That's where marketing comes in. Now...I'm no guru when it comes to this end of the field. I have this...flail about until I fall into the "right" way mentality. Sort of...trial and error, I guess? Only I kind of tend to ignore it like a big ugly stain on a tie ("Don't look. Don't look, K. DAMN IT. I looked.").This is yet another thing I've read about a million blogs about and they don't help one damn bit. You wanna know why? Because the advice is ridiculous.

You've got some people saying their life is consumed by a 9 to 1 ratio of marketing to writing. Who has time for that shit? Who WANTS to spend that much time at their pc shoving their book under other peoples' noses? I mean...I don't. I feel weird enough just plugging my book occasionally (like...once a week) in circles with other writers. Forget doing so in EVERY conversation I have with people I don't even know. Ew.

Then you have people that just DON'T market. Kind of...sit there...obsessively clicking buttons to check stats and such. But the stats never move. Because they don't say anything to anybody. Ever. Even when there's an appropriate conversational piece to slip it in. Just...clicking away, staring at that never-changing stat...

But let's get real. Neither of these approaches is ideal when you're an indie. Push too much, people ignore you and roll their eyes when they see you coming: "Oh. It's fucking Karen again. She's going to talk about her stupid book. Don'tmakeeyecontact! Lookawaylookawaylookaway!" Don't push at all and people don't know you exist: "There comes that weird guy that always brings his laptop to the coffee shop and stares at the same screen for an hour while he sips chai latte. I think maybe he's a serial killer."

So what DOES work? Simply put, I dunno. One thing I do know, however, is that it helps immensely to have people in your corner. Meet, greet, connect, uplift within the indie circles. If you like something by another author, share that.

Your job as an indie is to find the middle ground in marketing, wherever it may rest, but indies depend on word of mouth. Without a team of other people to help you, your career is probably never gonna get off the ground. Give and take, guys. Give and take. Support others within the community and you'll receive the same in return.

This blog is not really a nugget o' wisdom...but...maybe more of a reality check? I can't really give a real marketing strategy because I don't have one yet. Kind of. Whatever. There will be more on this particular devil when I have some actual nuggets for ya.

Until then, write on, wordsmiths.

Monday, February 15, 2016

In a Pinch Cont'd: The Dreaded Header

I see you're back again. Couldn't get enough of me, eh?

Well, I'm assuming you have your basic formatting for ebook in hand by now, and you're just looking to finish up the print book. That requires a handy dandy header, though, doesn't it?

Put your butt in the seat and hang on for dear life. Shit's about to get real.

This is where things get completely FUBARed. The blogs I read tried to coach this via either Adobe Acrobat Pro or MS Word. Let me be clear: NEITHER OF THESE WILL WORK THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO.

Adobe gouges you ($15/mo or $500 for life), and on top of that it has only one simple way to format headers--page numbers and a single heading (book title). You wanna get fancy on it? YOU'RE FUCKED. Either you do it manually page by page, or download another program to use in concert with Adobe that will supply a wider range of options. BUT WHY? We aren't made of money. And the kicker? Once you finish doing your headers, YOU CAN NO LONGER EDIT THE BOOK. Just...fuck no.

And as for Word? HA! I gave it the ol' college try...FOR TWO DAYS.  I scoured the Internet basically to be told, "LULZ, Word doesn't have the option to format like that anymore." Nothing works because Word is a TWAT. Have I mentioned this? Oh...I have? Let me just reiterate this: WORD IS A BUTT SMEAR OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.

But what about the stuff for OpenOffice? Holy crepes, man... It's like reading a manual for a time machine. I'm not a techie just because I dick around with the computer a lot. When I'm over here scratching my head after a dozen attempts, the manual sucks.

Enough of that, though. Down to brass tacks. Your nuggets of wisdom are as follows:

Go back over to the "Format" option on the ribbon. Click it and scroll down to "Page." I know; Here? Again? ALAS. Go over to the "Header" tab in the dialogue.


You want to turn the headers on. Notice that little box below it that says "Same content left/right"? Depending on what you want your header to look like, you will either leave that little bastard alone or unclick it.

If you want the general header with book name at the top and pagination at the bottom, leave it. If, like me, you want something a little different, where your headers alternate between page and author name, or book title and page...unclick it. Know this, however: YOUR ROAD WILL BE A TOUGH ONE.

Let's start with the easy stuff. You just want a general header/footer scheme as mentioned above? Cool. Leave that bad boy clicked on. Go over to "Footer" and turn that little monster on, too. Click "OK."

Well shit the bed... See that skinny gray box at the top? That's your header. We don't want it mucking about on the title pages and the copyright page, however. It's time to kick that freeloader to the curb.



You should still be in the "Styles and Formatting" option on the right hand toolbox. Across the top there, you'll see five icons. Click the fourth--"Page Styles." You're going to be in and out of here a couple of times.


To repress the headers on ONLY certain pages, you have to format them differently. Right click on the "First Page" option and modify it. You'll have to reset your margins to CreateSpace specs, click the "Mirrored" option under "Page Layout," and make sure the header and footer are turned OFF. Then, click "OK."


Place your cursor anywhere on the title page and double click the "First Page" Style.

Interesting. No more header. But we still have one on the copyright page and the second title page. No bueno.

Remember that "Breaks" option I mentioned earlier? Yeah, time to get into that. Go to your copyright page and place the cursor anywhere in the first line of text. On the side bar, click back onto the "Paragraphs" tab (first one across the top) in the "Styles and Formatting" option.



It should automatically show the Style that paragraph has been formatted with. Now, right click on it and select "Modify." Go into the "Text Flow" tab. Now...on your breaks, I pointed out the "With page style" option. Click it.


It will bring up this dialogue. You've already optioned this with a page break BEFORE this page. Specify the style as "First Page." Do this again with your second title page. It will format these pages as "First Page" and remove the header and footer.

Now, you've come to your first actual page of the document, where you need your page numbers to start (maybe). Before we can do that, however, we need to reformat a smidge. If you attempt to insert a page number, it won't start at 1, but rather 4. That's not right. The front matter doesn't count.


Before we can fully fix this, we have to backtrack a little. Highlight your "Chapter One," and right click the paragraph style. You want to create a new modified chapter heading Style. Just add "Mod" at the end when you name it. Go over to "Text Flow" and remove the break we put in earlier. Yeah, yeah, this backs it up onto the title page, again, but bear with me.

Next, insert a manual page break. Place your cursor BEFORE "Chapter One." Go to your top ribbon and select "Insert," and then "Manual Break."


It will bring up this dialogue. You want to specify it as "Default" and select the "Change page number" option, allotting the first number as 1. Click "OK."


Click into your footer and select the center justification option from the top ribbon. Go over to the "Insert" option and click on "Fields." Then click on "Page Number."



Almost done. Now, click into your header box and choose the center justification option on your top ribbon, then type the name of your book. You can play with the font and font size for the header and footer, but that's up to you. Boom. You're finished.


Pretty snazzy, right? Hmm...maybe not. Let's say you decide you don't want the header and footer on the first page of the chapter. Looks a little cluttered or whatever.

Okay, place your cursor anywhere in the text for your first chapter page. Go back over to "Page Styles" tab (fourth across the top in the "Styles and Formatting" option) and click "First Page." Great. No more header or footer.


But uh oh, when you go to try this on the next chapter, it doesn't work. Remember that adjusted chapter heading Style and the manual page break we inserted? Yup, you got it.

Highlight "Chapter Two" and double click the modified heading style to apply it. Next, place your cursor at the very end of the text for chapter one (after the period on what I've circled below) and insert the page break. You want "default" and don't mess with the page numbers this time.


Next, place your cursor anywhere in the text for the first page of chapter two and apply the "First Page" style again.

FUCK YEAH! This shit looks good.


Okay, but maybe not good enough. Let's say you want to do the alternating headers. This gets a little trickier.

Go back up into your "Format" option from the top ribbon and click "Page." Right here, in case you've forgotten.


Now, go over to the "Header" tab. You want to unclick the "Same Content Left/Right" option. If you're following this from what's already been done, you also need to go over to the "Footer" tab and make sure it's turned off.


IMPORTANT NOTE: When you open a print book, all of the even numbered pages should fall on the left side. Go check all of the books you have. Yup. What we've done with the basic formatting here (full title page [right], copyright page [left], half title page [right], chapter one [left]), this can become an issue. Depending on the amount of front matter, your book's even pages may fall on the wrong side. You can just insert a manual break after the full title page (creates a blank page) to make sure your pages are placed correctly.

This is important because when you format the alternating headers, all even pages should have the header placed on the left hand side (away from the binding, right? RIGHT!).

Now, you should only have the header box showing on the subsequent pages following the first page of your chapters. Click into the header on the second page of chapter one. Select the left justification from the top ribbon, then go back to the "Insert" option and insert your page numbers.


IMPORTANT NOTE: Sometimes OpenOffice will try to force a ghost page on you and no matter what you do, your numbering will be off for no apparent reason. The ghost page only appears on the "Page View" option (what I've circled below). Seriously? The fuck is this shit? It counts the ghost page as 1, which throws off every page thereafter. No bueno.


Now, seemingly, no matter what you do, you can't get rid of this sumbitch. I found this post from the OpenOffice help desk. Didn't work. BUT...this one did.



Anywho, your name should appear on all left hand headers. You can either keep it justified with the number, or put it in the middle of the page. The easy way is to keep it to the left hand side. Just hit the space bar, type your name, and voila.


Now, go onto the third page of chapter one and click into the header. Choose the right justification from the top ribbon. Type the name of your book, hit the space bar. Click "Insert," "Fields," and "Page Number." BOOM! Fuck yeah, man. Is that the most beautiful thing you've ever seen or what?


If you chose "or what," you suck, but this is YOUR book. I understand you want it to look good. So let's say you want to do a segmented, alternating header. You want your name and the book name to show up in the middle of the header, while your page numbers show up on the outer edges.

Pretty simple stuff. While in your header for page 2 (and after deleting any previous information), go up to "Table," "Insert," "Table."


It will bring up this dialogue, which you need to format like so. Make sure you unclick "Border."


Now click into the leftmost column. Go up to "Insert," "Fields," and "Page Number." It should automatically have the left justification selected. Click into the center column, select the center justification from the top ribbon, and type your name.


Now go over to page three. With your cursor in the header, insert another table with the same specifications. It will automatically name itself. On the rightmost column, select the right justification from the ribbon, then insert the page number. In the center column, choose the center justification, then type the name of the book.


And there you have it. The finished product will look something like this:


So...no melting down, my lovelies. This unholy shite CAN be done, and--what's more--it can be done for FREE.

*tips hat*

Sunday, February 14, 2016

In a Pinch Cont'd: Formatting Like a Beast

Okay, so it's come to my attention formatting sucks. No. Seriously. I jokingly talk about pulling my hair out when it comes to my struggles all the time, but I'm shedding more hair than usual over the stress here.

You can find all kinds of nifty shifty blogs on the Interwebz that talk about how to format a book from different word processors, but you know what the uniting factor in all of these little bastards is? They never conclude with an easy button that just lets you take care of it in one fell swoop. It's always one more thing, get one more program...and worse things. Ugh.

So what have I learned from all of this--other than formatting is an unequaled evil? Basically, there's not a comprehensive tutorial on how to handle this shit. Rather than let fellow indies melt down like me, I'm going to supply you with more nuggets of wisdom.

First off, if you're using Microsoft Word for your book... Oh, you sweet, summer child. I will send sacrifices to Odin in your name. Hopefully this blog will stave off some of the frustrations I've dealt with in the past two months. If you haven't started formatting, DON'T. Just go get OpenOffice from Apache right meow.

BUT, let's assume you're a naive yokel like me and you used Microsoft Word to write your book. First off...smash the formatting. NO. Seriously. Get rid of it. ALL OF IT. The only thing MS Word is good for is your ebook, but you need to start from scratch.

So, smashing formatting. To do this? Simple. Copy/pasta the entirety of your novel into the notepad. It will nuke almost everything. Paste back into Word, then go through and remove any remaining bits and bobs, reformat your italics, etc. You can follow steps 1 and 2 from this blog for this part.

It's helpful to save your ebook formatting as a new file to reference back and forth for reapplying italics. Also, this first blog is fine to follow in its entirety for ebook, but print is a different beast entirely. And, honestly, I've come to prefer Styles. If you want to attempt Styles in Word, take a gander at this blog. But don't say I didn't warn you when it comes time to do your headers.

ALSO NOTE: If you are using a newer version of MS Word and insisted on formatting via this processor, you will need to revert to .doc (Word 2003) in order for your spacing to be preserved via Styles. For whatever reason, newer versions of Word are an absolute TWAT when it comes to this. ANOTHER thing I had to research when I couldn't figure out why my spacing wasn't working like I wanted it to.

In order to do this, click "File" on your ribbon while the document is open.


Click "Export" on the toolbar.


 Click "Change File Type" in the options box and select ".doc".


Now, that blog I linked and my quick notes SHOULD handle all of your most basic formatting needs for ebook.

For your print book, you'll need to do a little research on CreateSpace or wherever you publish through to find the exact specs you need, and then format your document accordingly. For CreateSpace, the most commonly used is the 6x9--what I chose--and  you can find the specs here.

So, let's get started on the OpenOffice piece of the tutorial. Fire 'er up and click on the text document.



Next, take that unformatted version of your original book and slam it into an OpenOffice file.



Formatting the size of the document to the CreateSpace specs is a good place to begin. The easiest way to do this is to open up the "Formatting" tool and click "Page."



This will open up a dialogue that allows you to edit a whole host of things. For right now, just concentrate on the "Page" tab. Notice where I've set these specs? Under "Paper Format" you will need to supply the inch measurements of your book. Adjust margins accordingly for the size of your book, but make sure "Mirror Margins" is selected for "Page layout", as well as the "1,2,3" formatting (these are important later).

IMPORTANT: When CreateSpace refers to your "Gutter" margin, that will be the "Inner" option under "Margins."


Next comes the fun part with Styles. Now, I've just ripped a REALLY old beginning RP post to sub in for this tutorial. Notice there's no extra spacing there, however. Everywhere a paragraph should begin, we would hit return ("enter" on the keyboard) and then tab over, right? I backspaced that stupid tab. Styles will take care of the indent so this shit looks good.

So pop on over to the right hand toolbox and click this little bubbly icon thinger for your "Styles and Formatting" options.

NOTE: If you already did your print book formatting in Word, Styles will mostly transcend any hokie shite that goes on from switching processors--MOSTLY. Be prepared for some tweaking and hoop jumping if you import from Word, however. Just refer to the rest of this tutorial for an idea of how to tweak as needed.


Once you have your Styles selected, you're going to set up your spacing and fonts, headings, etc. I generally only fuck with the "Heading" option and the "Text Body" bit to build my styles, however.

So let's take it from the top. Your title. Right click on "Heading" and choose "New." It'll bring up this dialogue. Name it "BookTitle" or something along those lines so it's easy to spot.


Next, hop over to the "Indents and Spacing" tab. This is where you control where and how the text is placed. I've left the "Indent" option alone as this is for your title--no indents necessary. The spacing on the other hand is something you'll want to mess with. I've just thrown 3 inches in there as a reference. That means 3 inches will appear at the top of your page before the title is printed.


Next, move over to alignment and click "Center." The "Text Flow" tab is where things start getting a little weirder. See that "Breaks" section? Take note of it. You'll be back here a lot later on. Unclick the "Keep with next paragraph" option.


Now move over to the "Font" tab. You can adjust a lot of stuff in here. Whatever you want your title to look like. I've just picked some shit at random, but you'll want to play with this until it's pretty and up to your standards.


Skip "Font Effects" and go over to "Position."You can adjust the kerning in there by condensing or expanding by a certain amount, but that's up to you. It won't always show up with some fonts. Not necessary to mess with it anyway, so you're safe to skip it. Click "OK" when you're done and move on to the next part.

Highlight your title text and double click your new Style. If it's too big or small, not spaced properly, etc., just right click on the Style and hit "Modify." Go back through the tabs and adjust as necessary.


Next, go back over and right click on "Heading" again. Click "New." This time you'll be creating a subtitle Style. Repeat the previous steps with this one until you have it as you'd like it. Highlight your subtitle text and double click the new Style.

NOTE: If you end up with a massive amount of space between your title and subtitle, you can fix this by highlighting the title, right clicking the Style, hitting "Modify," and adjusting "Line Spacing" under the "Indents and Spacing" tab. If you notice, in the previous picture, there's two inches of space beneath "The Murky Prophet." While I didn't specify space beneath the Style, it's there. I just adjusted the "Line Spacing" to "Fixed" and specified 1 inch of space to get the look below.


Repeat this process with your name.


HUZZAH! Now we're getting somewhere. Okay, now we've got to create a page break for the copyright page. We don't want that on the same page as our title. SO, go over to "Text Body." Right click and select "New." Repeat the previous steps, but on the "Text Flow" tab, you need to get into the "Breaks" area.


Click "Insert." It will automatically position the break before the highlighted text. Keep that in mind as we move forward. You see that "With Page Style" option up there? Remember that. You'll be  using that a lot in the near future. When you've got your general body font chosen, just hit okay. It'll look something like this without any fancy bells and whistles.


You've got another title page after this one most likely, so just right click your title Style, select "New," and create a slightly modded title Style based on the original. You'll need to include a break with this one, just like for the copyright page. Reuse your subtitle Style. It'll look like this.


Alright, now we get into the actual body of the book. Create a new style based on "Heading" for your chapter titles. Same basic stuff we've been doing, also with a break so it isn't cluttering up that title page. You'll probably want to put space above and below the chapter heading so it isn't crammed at the top of the page or right on top of your body text. Will look a little like this.


Now...the actual manuscript. You'll want to right click on "Text body" and click "New." This is what the majority of your book is going to go under. Granted, it's the same basic stuff with your fonts and things. The big difference is that we finally get into the indents.

On the "Indents and Spacing" tab, you'll want to specify that the first line is indented by either 0.3 inches or 0.5 inches. Either is acceptable. In the "Alignment" tab, choose "Justified." In the "Text Flow" tab, make sure "Keep with next paragraph" is unclicked. Click "OK" and apply.


Will look something like this. Pretty little indents, all in a row. And none of that crappy MS Word formatting that messes things up.


Highlight the next chapter and double click the already prepared chapter heading Style. Do the same with the body text. Wash, rinse, repeat. You get the idea.

And that's basically all it is. Your end result will come out looking something like this.



Heh...guess you noticed the header up there. Another tutorial on those little bastards can be found here.